Kireina Kanjou At Dawn
by Rhain
Summary: [Oneshot] I sat on the floor, feeling cold creep up my legs on contact with the tile. I was sad, but I didn’t cry. It just wasn’t the time. 'My Mission. Dose it really matter' I wonderd.


**Kireina Kanjou At Dawn**

Disclaimer: I do not own Orphen or any thing related to it blahblahblah...

Setting: A random night in between Orphen Revenge eps. 17 and 18. If you don't remember in ep. 17 Lycoris gave Esperanza the crown of yellow flowers to thank her for helping her on the ship. Later Lycoris broke out crying for no reason. In episode 18 they all arrive in Totakanta, and Lycoris stays at Cleao's house for a few night and regains almost all of her memory. This is set at a random inn that they stay at on the way to Totakanta and basically just takes a more in-depth look at Lycoris's feelings.

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Mundane. My existence is mundane.

I had come to that conclusion last night sitting in bed. Cleao and I had shared a bed again. This time the inn that we were staying in was actually big enough to house each of us in our own individual rooms, and for once our cash flow was in the black, so we could have afforded it, but Cleao and I had still opted to share a bed. There are simple reasons why. She is like an older sister to me, though we are both alone in our existences. Although I was the only one acutely aware of it, to her it was just the narrow instinct of loneliness that caused her to adopt me as a sister. I clung to her, and to my other new friends for dear life, as my only hope of support. Only thing that kept my existence hovering above the level of pointlessness. They kept it well plastered to being simply mundane, but anything is better then pointlessness.

As I said. It was last night that I realized this. Starring at the moon, and how it reflected off Cleao's skin, making it look as pale as marble. She was so beautiful, my beautiful sister. But there was something hollow about her. Something I couldn't place. She was preoccupied with her crush on Orphen and for some reason never picked up on my deeper feelings. Perhaps it's my fault for expecting her to realize how I felt on her own. My fault for expecting understanding and empathy for emotions that I, myself didn't understand.

This morning, it was grey. My emotions from the previous night were all but prevalent in me now. I had expected the sadness to die with the darkened grasp of the night, as it usually did, but today was different. The fatigue and worry struck me the moment I awoke. But nonetheless I didn't cry.

I looked at Cleao, the now ruffled hair, the light snore, moaning the name "Orphen" in her sleep. To me, she still looked beautiful. But I couldn't help but flinch when she uttered his name again. If not for him, she would be only mine, my sister alone, and then maybe when I felt as if I had some kind of promise of unconditional love I would start to feel more happy. But it felt selfish to desire her empathy, so I just smiled at her. I was glad that he made her so happy, even if he didn't return her feelings... yet. It was only a matter of time and I knew it.

I placed my feet of the icy floor, wooden, but still icy. Outside a gentle frost laid on the grass outside, marking the new month of October. I slid on my glasses and picked up my cloths, the same purple dress I wore everyday. Misery tends to cultivate laziness. I had made a promise with myself that I was going to wash that dress last night but the enigmatic sadness took over and forced me to go to bed early. This would be the fifth day in a row I wore that dress. I was getting to be as bad as Orphen was about changing cloths; Cleao and Majic had at least three different sets of cloths in addition to pajamas. But me? I had two dresses to my name, one for a regular day, and a pink one for cleaning.

I glanced down at the bag in front of me, dress: check. I fished through for clean underwear and socks. Traveling as much as we do clean socks and underwear was somewhat of a luxury. For the past few days I had hardly bothered to even change mine. Today, however, I had some clean laundry that Cleao had done with me yesterday afternoon. Finally I found some, though the socks were mismatched. When I had the option, it was unlikely for me to mismatch them, but my thoughts were too consuming to allow me to care.

Quietly I crept out of the room and made my way to the bathroom, the cold marble floor froze my bare feet making the wooden floor seem warm in comparison. The second floor bathroom was decrepit. The toilet appeared to be falling apart and there was grout on everything, gingerly I placed my glasses on the side of the sink where they would be safe while I washed my face. When I put them back on I starred at my reflection. Ghost pale, large brown eyes, messy brown hair, glasses, thin shoulders, purple slip. That was all there was to me. I scrutinized, searching for something more but found nothing. I focused on my eyes.

I smiled at the refection. But my eyes didn't smile. They screamed with pain. Try as I might, they wouldn't smile with me.

I sat on the floor, feeling the heat from my skin begin to drain on contact with the tile. I was sad, but I didn't cry. It just wasn't the time. I just lost myself in thought.

_My Mission._ Dose it really matter? I had to wonder. What was I actually trying to do anyways? Take Mr. Orphen to the Royal Public Order of Knighthood to be honored. There was only one was only one reason I honestly cared. But I was afraid to admit it to myself.

The reason was that it distracted me... from... this.

I made a mental layout of my life. From birth until about age twelve I couldn't remember a thing. It was white. After that it starts to fog, grey, I can start to remember _feeling_, I felt happy, though I was alone. I was always alone. But working for the government gave me some measure of reason. Now I am sixteen. And until just one moth ago, my life felt like a dream. It was as if I just woke up one day and I knowing nothing. I remember getting out of the unfamiliar bed and looking around the unfamiliar room, seeing a letter on my desk, I read it. It was my orders, my mission. Slowly I started to remember the blurry fragments of my life that I had, my job.

But I have to wonder, is any of that true?

Two days ago, sitting in a field of yellow flowers, I began to question all of that.

Did I have a big sister? Besides Cleao, that is. I wouldn't be yearning for something that I had never felt before, would I? Of course I wouldn't. How would I know what it felt like otherwise?

Something was very wrong here. I had been seeing flashbacks of things that were unfamiliar to me. My memories? Or maybe someone else's? But whose? They must be mine. But it makes no sense to me. They don't fit into my life.

It was eating at me. Tarring my mind apart. I couldn't stop the tears now.

I squeezed my eyes shut and ruffled my hands into my hair and cried in my knees. I couldn't stop myself. My face heated up, red and blotchy. I listened to the water hit the floor and sobbed. Pulling the pink headband off my head I threw it against the wall.

"Where did you come from!?"

I yelled at the inanimate object. "Who was that girl putting it on my head!? The one I remembered yesterday in the field! Who was she!? Who gave you to me?" I chocked the words out in between sobs they sounded loud and horse. I couldn't stop sobbing. I struck my fist against the tile floor.

A barely addible whisper escaped my lips, "Who am I?" I asked the silence, I asked the cold, I asked the tears, and I asked the rain just starting to fall out the window.

I didn't move. Why should I? There is no reason to move.

The nights and mornings are so painful. There is no reason to move. None whatsoever. If I move from this spot I'll just have to put on that silly façade of a smiles and happiness again. I don't want to hide. I'm sick of hiding this. But I have to. I don't want Cleao to see me this way. I don't want anyone to see me this way. This past month my life had had _color_ more then the white and subtle shades of grey that had plagued it before. My new friends were all I had. But now... that was all unraveling.

This is because at one point I did have a family. And my mission has gone from my reason for going on, to my desperate distraction from a foggy truth, which I cannot bring myself to face.

If only I were braver, perhaps I could meet this head on. But I'm not.

"Lycoris!? Hey Lycoris! Where are you!?" I hear my name being called. It continues for a few minutes, it takes me that long to register that I should answer.

"I—" my voice is weak and cracks. I stand shakily and place my headband on my head. "I'm in here!" Quickly I splash water on my face and change out of PJ's, before throwing open the door, only to be met face to face with a disapproving Cleao.

"Why didn't you answer me sooner?" She asks, blissfully unaware of what just happened to me. Can't she see it in my eyes? Can't she hear it in my voice?

"I'm sorry. I had the water running, I wasn't able to hear you." I lie, it hurts, but I do it anyway.

Cleao doesn't respond. She just stares at my eyes, downcast, enigmatic, glaze over, hiding something. "Is everything okay?" Her voice is more emotional and more mature then I have ever heard it. I know I can't make her worried. I know I have to pretend to be happy for her, to save her the pain.

This is why I love her. Because even though she seems like she has more important things to worry about then me, she always meets me in the end. And I have to be sure to meet her too, so I pretend.

My lasts ounces of pain scream in my eyes when I look at her, but it's soon replaced by genuine happiness and love for my "big sister" as I force my to forget the events of just moments ago.

"Of course, silly, everything is fine!" And I smile brightly at her, I'm trying so hard for her.

I think she can see it, and she decides not to push me. This is our silent understanding bond. No words need to be spoken now, she understands, and she lets me hide. She knows that for the time being, it's what I want, and she lets me.

"I just though you might want to know that breakfast is ready downstairs. Come on, let's go eat." She reaches out her hand to grasp mine and leads me downstairs to where Orphen is stuffing his face while Majic examines a map.

I smile at everyone, "Good morning guys!"

I know that there's a lot to worry about. My past, my "mission" and all that, but I think just for this morning I can let it slid and just be happy here in this moment with my friends, and let myself believe that I am home.

_-Owari-_

A/N: "Owari" is Japanese for "end", according to the dictionary next to me. Alas my knowledge from my "Japanese 1" class in high school dose not extend to knowing how to say end without a dictionary but whatever. What'd y'all think? Please review! This is my first one-shot, and first fanfic of this series so I wanna know if it came out okay:D

IMPORTANT: I'm thinking of writing another about Cleao, perhaps another chapter or a separate fic or something? Should I? What do y'all think?

If you were wondering -

Title explanation: Kirenia Kanjou is Japanese for Pure Emotion. The names of the songs I listened to while I wrote this were "Kireina Kanjou" and "At Dawn." They fit together well. Both songs are from the soundtrack of the anime "Noir" and I encourage you to go grab the songs off or watch the anime Noir. You can find a lot of connections between Mirielle, Kirika, Altena, and Chloé of Noir with Lycoirs, Cleao, and Esperanza.


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